Why do we compare ourselves to others?
Why do we compare our victories and our failures to that of those around us?
And why do we compare our writing journey to the road laid out for another?
There are plenty of answers to these questions, but I suspect they all start here:
We want.
Or maybe that’s not a strong enough word for what goes on inside us. Let’s use this word instead: yearn.
We yearn.
To succeed. To matter. To finish what we start. To say something important. To create art. To support ourselves. To be heard.
All noble, valiant endeavors. Yearning is not a bad thing, and these are good things to want. And because most of us learn to make art by watching others do the same, comparison happens quite naturally.
When we’re new to a skill, it helps to have a guide of sorts. Others to watch and emulate. If we’re not careful though, that guide can turn into a measuring stick.
And while it’s good to familiarize ourselves with what success in a certain artistic field can look like, where this gets tricky is when that measuring stick becomes the goal.
When that happens, we slip from wanting and pursuing noble goals to wishing.
We wish we were like that famous author. We wish we had their ideas. We wish we were better with people. We wish, we wish, we wish.
Now, wishing is lovely if you’ve got a nickel in your hand and a well to throw it into. But living in a state of perpetual wishing de-prioritizes hard work. Instead of making art, you spend your days whispering,
“If only . . .”
If only I’d been given her gifts. If only I’d had that publisher. If only I’d decided to write this story and not that one. If only I had more time.
Suddenly, yearning is not a propelling force. It’s a concrete block you carry around in your gut. And if we’re not vigilant, we attempt to create while weighed down by every If only we’ve ever swallowed. That’s quite the challenge.
Thoughts of comparison keep us living in a “what could have been” kind of moment. They do not, cannot propel us forward. And that means we must make peace with carving our own path, and we must become adept at wrangling our wants into line so that they support our endeavors rather than undermine them.
But how do we do that?
I expect it takes a lifetime to manage, and a willingness to bat down the temptation to compare, but I do have a few thoughts for you as you get started:
1. Learn from others without attempting to emulate them: There is so much to learn from others in our creative fields. The trick is to avoid the inclination to emulate another artist.
It’s a temptation to be sure. To find another author to model your journey after, but the problem is you’ll never be better at being THEM than they are. And even if you find a measure of success, you will still feel the frustration of playing second fiddle.
Instead, watch others with an admiration for their art, tempered by an understanding that no two authors are formed of the same magic. We all shine a little differently. And that’s beautiful.
So, go ahead. Learn. Try the tools that have worked for others, but don’t expect your art to look and feel exactly like theirs. If it does, you’ve traded away your shine for something akin to fools gold. And that’s sad.
2. Know when to turn off the noise: I can’t tell you how many times I’ve sat up in bed, energized by the challenge of a new day, excited about all the opportunities that lay before me, only to swipe my phone awake and have all that derailed by a social media post, advertisement, or news article that makes me feel less than.
Less talented. Less beautiful. Less faithful. Less intelligent. Less generous. Less kind. Less compassionate. Less adventurous. Less financially able.
We live in an information age and while there is great benefit in that, we must be responsible for our own head space.
Regardless of what everyone else is doing, you can mute or hide or unfollow anything or anyone that causes you angst. When certain people, books, movies, websites, or accounts lead you to unhealthy comparisons, they may not be safe for you.
Be active here. Protect your creative soul. You cannot control what others put out in the world, but you can choose to turn down the noise. Be responsible for you.
3. Value your journey: We all feel inadequate at times. And this inadequacy, this impostor syndrome, diminishes our ability to appreciate our own journey.
Hear me, friend, the road you walk, day in and day out, matters. It shapes you, seeds ideas in your belly, and provides the raw material for not only the artist you are now, but the artist you will become.
You may not feel like there’s anything special about the road you’re on, or perhaps you hate that you’ve had to traverse so many dark valleys, but don’t let either of these extremes convince you that your journey can’t take you to amazing vistas.
Your road matters. It has great value. Stop wishing for the life of another, because the truth is . . .
4. You only see what others want you to see: Everyone has issues. No one has this life figured out, and most of the authors you admire have fought against their own demons to get where they are.
Some of us are just better at hiding the hard stuff.
And that’s okay. That’s our prerogative. None of us need to share more about ourselves than we’re comfortable sharing. It falls to each individual to remember that we don’t have anyone’s full picture.
In a day and age where social media is king, you are only ever seeing part of an artist’s life. And usually, it’s a very cultivated, intentional display.
It’s part of their image.
Don’t compare the raw reality of all that you are, to the bits and pieces of shine others allow you to see of themselves. That game’s rigged and you cannot win.
Here’s how you can win though:
Learn from others while being proud of who are. Turn off the screen when you’ve had enough. Don’t wish for anyone else’s road. Remember that what you see isn’t all that is.
And above all, believe that you matter. Your story matters. And anything that ties you up and makes it harder for you to do your great, important work should be resisted.
You don’t have to compare yourself to others. I realize that’s easier said than done, but it’s true.
And I dare you to give it a try.
Tell me, does the monster of comparison present a battle for you? Have you had any success in defeating it?
Shannon Dittemore is an author and speaker. Her books include the Angel Eyes trilogy, a supernatural foray into the realm of angels and demons, as well as the fantastical adventure novel Winter, White and Wicked. Its sequel, Rebel, Brave and Brutal is due out January 10, 2023.
Shannon’s stories feature strong female leads grappling with fear and faith as they venture into the wilds of the unknown. She’s often wondered if she’s writing her own quest for bravery again and again.
It’s a choice she values highly. Bravery. And she’s never more inspired than when young people ball up their fist and punch fear in the face.
To that end, Shannon takes great joy in working with young writers, both in person and online at Go Teen Writers, an instructional blog recognized by Writer’s Digest four years running as a “101 Best Websites for Writers” selection.
For more about Shannon and her books, please visit her website, Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, and Pinterest.
These tips are amazing! I feel like everyone more for writers face the monster of comparison and wishing that we could write like this person or be as confident as this other person. But, these tips put in words what everyone has to do to stop comparing themselves to everyone else. We are all unique and that will work to our advantage, it will give us our own edge to writing. thank you again for these amazing tips!
I’m glad they’re helpful, Lydia! Thank you for reading!
Wow. Shannon, this was exactly what I needed! And in so many other ways than writing I compare myself to family, famous people, or friends. It absolutely sucks. Thank you for giving me ways to rid myself of that horrible feeling of thinking I’m not enough.
You are so welcome! You’re right. Comparison is not just limited to writing or any of the arts. It happens in our everyday lives as well. Wishing you luck as you punch that bully in the face.
Thank you so much, Shannon!
This came at a great time for me. I’ve been carrying around “if onlys” for the past few weeks about coronavirus and writing, and this post was so relieving. I’ve found that silencing all but my most important notifications is very important. I’m on several chats and quickly one message can turn to six hundred, which makes the hole in my heart of “if onlys” only stronger. Comparison likes to haunt me. Your tips are very helpful in fighting it.
Thanks so, so much!
I’m so glad you’re wise enough to mute things! It takes a lot of willpower sometimes, but it really can make a difference. I have very few notifications on and sometimes it’s still too many.
Shannon, you have an amazing way with words. I love just reading your posts not only because they share strong insights and accomplishable steps toward defeating monsters, but also because your wording and style is just so beautiful.
I had an author remind me recently that we’re all characters in God’s story, and that our journey will have an impact- Just like any character whose story we write. Both we and our characters will face these monsters. You’ve given me starting points on how I can defeat these monsters for myself, and how my characters can defeat them as well, so thank you.
This is lovely! And what a kind thing to say. I’m glad my voice resonates with you. That’s every writers dream, you know? To find their people.
Wise words!
THANK YOU!
While reading your wonderful post I realized that we do need to draw a line between learning from others and emulating their work. Because if we try to write exactly like this or that particular author we are obliterating the story only we can write in favor of what we think we should be writing.
We need to try and be like our characters and face the monster even when we know we could lose. And I think with the tips you gave us, our journey might be easier. Thank you!
It’s very difficult, but worth being aware of, right? I wish you all the luck as you journey on.
I think doubt and comparison really feed off each other. It’s not an easy thing to work through and I constantly have to check myself.
Pinterest has a pin that says not to compare you’re beginning to someone else’s middle. It’s not fair to ourselves and our growth to look at a published book that’s been edited by X amount of people & compare it to our first draft, but that’s easier said than done bc I still do it. We have to remember everyone started somewhere.
They do! For sure. All these monsters help one another out and that’s the scary thing. But as we learn to deal with one, it also helps us deal with the others.
This is a really good insight! Thank you, I really needed this.
Beautifully said! It really is hard to walk the line that separates observing to learn from others and comparing to evaluate yourself, and it’s really easy to look at everyone else’s perfectly crafted personas and think they have it all together. Thanks for this uplifting reminder about embracing the wonderful mess that is all of our unique journeys.
It can be very challenging, right? Recognizing that there is a line is a very good first step!
This is an amazing post. I know I have battled this for so long now, often unsuccessfully, but reading this now and saving it is going to be such a tremendous help to me in the future. As a young writer and someone who has such big dreams, I definitely get caught in that trap of yearning, and I think this post did an extremely good job of breaking down the reasons why we compare and how sometimes it isn’t all bad but can be destructive to a certain extent, and the ways you talked about overcoming it are tried and true methods I must remember. Thank you so much for writing this.
I really needed this today. I’m a huge people-pleaser, so I’m constantly concerned with what people think about me and that I should be more like this person or that person. I definitely wouldn’t say I’ve defeated the monster of comparison, but I have found that simply accepting where I’m at and recognizing the roadblocks I have overcome and the victories I have already made really helps me, as well as staying away from social media.
Thanks so much for this article! I will be coming back to this in the future. 🙂
“where this gets tricky is when that measuring stick becomes the goal”– YES. Thank you for saying this. I’m guilty of this for sure, of seeing other people’s lives and wanting my life to reach that ideal point they seem to be at. But my life is not theirs, and it’s not supposed to be. And if I try to make it theirs… it’s not really mine anymore, is it? 😉
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Starting this post the second after I turned on a classical music station really had some crazy existential and surreal effects, it was kind of a ride. I think this really is something I needed to hear myself read right now, now that I feel way more comfortable in my own skin than I have ever been. Comparison is so intense, and I think it’s one of the greatest mental adversaries I’ve had to deal with, but slowly, super (agonizingly) slowly, I think I am starting to learn how to win my battles with it. Thank you so much for the post!