Art is subjective. We all know this. It’s why there are award-winning books that you think are terrible. Or why you loaned a book to your best friend because it was the best thing you’d ever read, and she read two chapters before declaring it was boring. That’s how it is with art. Whatever you create, some will love it, some will hate it, and everybody else will fall on the broad spectrum between.
We may understand this in theory, but when it happens to us for real, it’s tough to swallow, isn’t it? You’ve written several chapters or an entire book. You’ve poured an unknowable amount of hours of thought and energy into this story, and then somebody you love reads it and doesn’t like it. There’s no way around it—for most of us, that’s painful.
I have struggled with how to handle this pain ever since I started passing my manuscripts to others to read. In high school I went through a phase of writing a chapter in a story and then giving it to friends for their “honest feedback.” That’s not what I wanted. I wanted praise. And when a friend used words like “romantic garbage” to describe my stories, our friendship imploded. Not only that, but I closed down and vowed to never show anybody my work ever again.
I’ve had other less dramatic situations too. When my debut novel came out, a friend’s husband told me he started reading my book, hated it, and couldn’t make it past chapter one. I didn’t even know how to respond because . . . ouch.
And when the second book in that series came out, a family member said she liked it “better” than book one. Not even better. Just better.
And when talking to a friend about The Lost Girl of Astor Street, she told me, “I’m excited for this one. It sounds more interesting than your other books.” Well . . . great.
While not all of these situations crushed me, all of them hurt me on some level. There’s no magical way to not be hurt when a friend or family member isn’t instantly a Super Fan of your work, but here are some thoughts on managing how you handle it:
Do not expect friends to be fans.
Easier said that done, right?
The need for this mentality didn’t become clear to me until I was on the other side of the table—the friend expected to be the fan.
I used to have a friend who aspired to be a nonfiction author. I wasn’t her target audience, but I could see that she was talented, and I encouraged her as best I could. I read a book proposal for her and offered feedback. I followed her professional accounts on social media. I attended a local event she put on. Even though I didn’t relate to her writing (again, I wasn’t the target audience), I did what I could to support her dream.
One day, out of the blue, I discovered I could no longer see her professional account on Instagram. It was like it didn’t exist. When I texted her to ask if she’d deleted it, she told me she blocked me because I never commented on anything she posted and that deeply hurt her feelings.
Oh, I thought. It wasn’t enough for me to be your friend. You wanted me to be your fan.
While my friend overreacted in a major way, I can relate to the hurt behind her reaction: “If you really love me, why don’t you love this thing that I’ve created?”
Ever since that situation unfolded, I’ve been mindful of the expectations I place on my friends and family. Not long ago, I made a new friend and she bought my books. She texted me to tell me how much she was enjoying The Lost Girl of Astor Street, and I loved hearing that. She’s a wonderful person who I respect, so yes, I really want her to like my books. But I reminded myself that I don’t want liking my books to be a requirement of friendship with me. So I texted back, “That’s so nice of you and I hope you continue to like it. Just so you know, it’s fine if you don’t. I don’t expect my friends to be my fans.”
Sometimes they turn out to be both—which is what happened with this friend—and it’s lovely when that works out. But I don’t expect friends to be on my email list, or to follow my author accounts on social media, or to pre-order my books. I really try to not even expect them to buy my book or read it, but I’m still working on that one.
Give your stories private space to grow.
I’m very private about my works in progress because I’ve learned it’s best for my mental health and the development of my stories. I’m a people pleaser, and I care waaaaay too much about what others think of me and, by extension, my writing. As I talked about in the beginning, I’ve had seasons where I shared chapters while the ink was still drying, and it messed with my voice and my confidence.
While I do share some early thoughts about stories with trusted people—my agent, my husband, and a critique partner—even then the story has been alive in my head for a little while. Ideas need space to bloom without criticism. Without criticism from us, and certainly without criticism from others.
I don’t know who said it first or if I’m even getting this quote right, but I do love the sentiment of it: “Write like your grandma is dead.” We’ve probably all had that moment where we’re writing and then we edit ourselves—I can’t write that! What would my insert-person’s-name-here think? The idea of our grandfather reading that kissing scene or our mom reading that dark torture scene has a way of closing down our desire to create. The only way I’m able to silence that insecurity is by knowing that nobody will be reading this story until I feel ready.
I know some writers say they thrive on criticism and early feedback, but if you don’t, I highly recommend keeping your stories to yourself for a while.
When a fellow writer is hurting, lift them up.
I used to think that the hurt I felt when someone didn’t like my book made me unprofessional. That real writers had thick skin. I don’t think that anymore. I think I’m human and that my skin is fine how it is. I think if I worked hard to have thick skin, there would be other consequences that I don’t want—like an enormous ego and the inability to receive feedback.
While, yes, becoming a published author has a way of helping you get better at receiving criticism, it will still sting if the people you love don’t love your work. I don’t recommend stuffing those feelings down or ignoring their existence. If you can, find a fellow writer who you can talk to. It’s so valuable to share things like, “My friend came to my signing, bought my book, started reading it . . . and then never said anything about it. I’m pretty sure she doesn’t like it.”
Whenever I have these conversations with trusted writer friends, they inevitably respond with something like, “Oh, that’s so hard! I always jump to worst case scenarios too.” Even a simple exchange like that can do wonders for lifting my spirits.
What about you? Do you struggle when others criticize your writing?
Stephanie Morrill writes books about girls who are on an adventure to discover their unique place in the world. She is the author of several contemporary young adult series, as well as two historical young adult novels, The Lost Girl of Astor Street and Within These Lines. Within These Lines was a Junior Library Guild Gold Standard selection, as well as a YALSA 2020 Best Fiction for Young Adults pick. Since 2010, Stephanie has been encouraging the next generation of writers at her website, GoTeenWriters.com, which has been on the Writer’s Digest Best Websites for Writers list since 2017. She lives in the Kansas City area, where she loves plotting big and small adventures to enjoy with her husband and three children. You can connect with Stephanie and learn more about her books at StephanieMorrill.com, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter.
This is encouraging! I literally just texted a tiny scene to some friends to see if i was the only one who thought it was cheesy. One said it wasn’t cheesy at but another said one part was weird. It didn’t really hurt me but it did leave me a bit confused.
I understand that! It’s hard when people disagree and you’re left feeling like, “Well . . . now what? Who do I believe?” The general guideline I use is that if two or more are saying it, I give that feedback different weight than if it’s just one person.
You were brave to share your scene! Great job!
Heh, heh, heh…
Thank you for this post! Right now I’m working on the third draft of my novel, and I’m really trying to work up the courage to share it with my mom when I finish. The problem is that I haven’t really let her read a whole lot of my writing thus far, and I’m so nervous that she’ll think it’s ridiculous. She probably won’t… but still…
Love this: “The only way I’m able to silence that insecurity is by knowing that nobody will be reading this story until I feel ready.” I need to remind myself of that so often. It doesn’t matter what anyone thinks of it in any stage… until I’m done. And even then, it’s my story, so while accepting criticism is super important, it’s not my job to make sure everyone likes my story… because that would be impossible.
Thank you so much!
You’re absolutely right that it’s not your job to write a story everyone will like. Thankfully, because that will never happen!
I understand the fears of sharing the story with your mom. Something that helps me when I’m sharing my story is to be upfront with what I’m looking for. Like, “I would love your general impressions of the plot and characters.” Or, “I’m getting ready to send this out, so I need a line-by-line edit.” I have also told critique partners, “I’m feeling insecure about this, so I could use your feedback on what’s good and where the story needs improving.” That way they have a head’s up about my emotional state.
Sharing our work takes bravery!
I struggle with this a lot. I’ve had a few people close say some negative things & I’ve stopped talking about my writing to loved ones. The only people that know right now are fellow writers. There was a time I considered that wise, but I’m finding there are a few loved ones I’d like to be upfront and open about it with. I haven’t found the way to bridge that gap. Especially since I’m still a green writer and I don’t know how much they understand the need to grow as a writer.
There are friends and loved ones I know are interested in the complete opposite of what I write. On my mind, I try to prepare myself for the day it’s outed nc I know they aren’t my target audience.
It’s crossed my mind on the other end that I’ll get to know writers as people who don’t write things I like. I want to stay supportive & encouraging even if I’m not a fan.
I understand that, because I don’t generally talk about my writing either. I went through a season for a few years where anytime I was asked if I worked outside the home, I just said, “No,” and left it at that. Isn’t that sad? I’ve gotten better, but even when I tell people I’m a published author and they’re super excited and encouraging about it, I feel very awkward! I’m not great at responding to things like, “Wow, that’s such an amazing accomplishment.” I’m getting better at just saying a simple, “Thank you,” and leaving it there.
Something that might be helpful for you as you start talking more openly about your writing is deciding ahead of time what you’ll say and what you won’t. Unless I’m talking to a handful of very specific people (my parents, my husband, etc.) I’m really vague about what I’m working on unless I have a book coming out. If I have a book coming out, I just talk about getting ready for that, and otherwise I say things like, “I’m between projects right now,” or “I’m working on the first draft of an idea.” People hardly ever ask me what it’s about. If they do, I typically just say something like, “I’m pretty early in the process, but it’s a historical YA novel set in the 20s.”
Thank you so, so, so, SO much for writing this! I have the hardest time reviving hard feedback and I’m actually dealing with it on a level right now.
I also loved the “write like your grandma is dead” quote ? I get so insecure when I write, for example, a kissing scene.
I love this post, thank you for sharing!
I’m so sorry you’re in it right now. There’s nothing fun about that. I usually give myself a window of time that I get to feel sad and mopey, and then tell myself it’s time to get back to work. That’s the best way I’ve found to balance acknowledging how I feel and moving on from it.
When they were alive, my grandmas were both super supportive ladies who loved to read. One of them even read some pretty steamy romances. But it’s different to think of my grandmother reading a kiss scene I wrote! And now I’m at the age where my kids read my books. Yikes!
Back when I had only one book out, my great-grandfather came to visit and said, “I got your book.” Me: “Oh? Thank you.” Him: “It was long.” Yep. That was his one and only comment, to which I could only laugh and say, “Yes, yes it is.” and change the subject.
This is a hard thing for sure, but 100% inevitable, and you have great advice here. I also have friends to whom I gift copies, but with notes that say, “I don’t expect you to read this or tell me if you do. I just want you to have it because of XYZ,” like if I dedicated it to them or something.
Love the observation about your skin being just fine at its current thickness. 😉 Things will hurt…but they’re supposed to. We’re human. If we didn’t hurt, we wouldn’t be living the full experience.
Oh, ugh. I’m sorry that’s what he said to you. Laughing and changing the subject is the smart way to go!
I like your description of how you give books! That’s a thoughtful way to go about it.
Brené Brown talks about how we can’t selectively numb. Choosing to numb pain is also choosing to numb joy. I haven’t run a study on this or anything, but from my casual and limited observations, the writers I know who aren’t bothered at all by negative comments about their work also struggle to accept feedback from editors and critique partners.
Thank you so much for this post!! I definitely needed it. I struggle a lot with dealing with criticism from close friends and family members (I take things too personally too easily ?)so this was super encouraging and helpful for me.
I’m an extremely sensitive person, so I get that. I’m so glad this post felt helpful to you!
I love this post! I sometimes think I never want my friends or family to know what I’ve written … especially because my insecurities lie not necessarily in the embarrassing bits (like writing kissing scenes or having characters swear — because it’s realistic to their personality) but in adapting events in my life that probably make it a bit too clear how much some of the people closest to me hurt me as a young adult and child. Thanks for putting so much effort into this, Stephanie 🙂
Ohmygosh, yes! It can feel like inviting people to come walk around in our head and peek in private rooms. That definitely feels more uncomfortable than some word choices they might disagree with!
Yes, this can be so hard! Thank you for the good reminders and advice on how to handle it!
Absolutely! I wish it was something I felt like I’d perfected, but sadly I don’t think that will ever happen.
I definitely needed to read this! I had two critique partners read a novel I wrote last year and while they weren’t 100% like “I hated this” some of their feedback hurt me deeply to the point I stopped writing for almost a month and I still don’t want to talk about the novel. (I forced myself eventually to work on something else, though.) But I know this will happen again at some point and I don’t want to react the same way every time this happens.
It’s encouraging to know all writers–and really all creative people–feel this at some point and we have to remember that not everybody has to be a fan and it’s good to keep some stories close until you’re ready to let them go.
Oh, Jaime, I have been there. It is incredibly painful. In my early years when I completely closed others out, it was because I was hurting so badly and didn’t know what to do with it. For a while, I walked away from writing completely. Decided I was going to be an elementary education major instead and even officially changed things with the college I intended to go to.
Once I clawed my way out the other side of that season, I emerged with a stronger writing voice and more clarity on what kind of stories I told and what I didn’t. I wouldn’t trade what I learned during that time, but the lessons were incredibly painful. I STILL have a voice in my head that says, “romantic garbage” when I’m putting together romantic scenes, and I have to remind it to hush.
You will get through this! Just keep moving forward.
Thank you so much for this encouraging response!
I’ve had those moments where I felt like giving up on writing completely because it didn’t feel worth it, but like you experienced, it helped me to become a stronger writer (and hopefully one with a little thicker skin). I definitely have to remind myself to hush the voices that say negative things about my writing, especially in the midst of writing. I have to remind myself that this story is for me first, so even if someone else didn’t like it or if it’s never published, I wrote it for me to figure things out in my own life or to share the type of story I want to read. <3
HI! I’ve been reading these posts for a while now, and it’s really helped in my writing.
I’m one of the authors who thrives on feedback, but even then, I struggle to open up my stories to the people I don’t think would enjoy what I right. (I’m a fantasy writer.)
Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this topic! It’s really helped with some of the things I’ve been thinking about how to open up about my books.
I’m so glad to hear that, Amiko! I hope Go Teen Writers continues to be a helpful resource for you!
This is so helpful, especially the “write like your grandmother is dead” line, as I have a very loving grandmother who dislikes the genre I write- but still wants to read my first draft! Other family and friends are the same, and I realized I was writing through a ” oh my goodness what if so-and-so ever reads this” mentality. Also, I am the youngest in my family, and often I am expected to be very young and write stories for sweet little kids, so I worry I will be judged if I write swordfights, intense scenes, or deep all is lost moments.
Thank you very much!
Oh, yes, I imagine that’s a challenge, Evangeline! It’s hard on everyone when the youngest isn’t so young anymore!