How to Write the Opposite Gender

I often hear from my male readers that I do a pretty good job of writing teenage guys. But I’ve also heard extremes. I’ve had one guy tell me that it was creepy how similar my guy character’s thoughts were to his, and then I’ve had a different guy tell me that I was way off base with my guy character because he doesn’t think like him at all.

Ah, well. You can’t please everyone, right?

But I try. And if you’re going to write the opposite gender, you should too. Here are some things that help me.

1. I spend a lot of time with guys in our youth group. I’m around them several hours a week and sometimes days at a time for camps or road trips. I’ve gotten used to how they talk, how they think, and how they behave. It might not be possible for you to hang around with a bunch of guys–or girls–though, so another thing I did:

2. I read a lot of books. Books on gender roles, marriage help books, teen books about guys or girls that were written for the opposite sex, dating/purity books. I could have probably earned a degree in counseling, I’ve read so many! Keep in mind, the marriage books have some adult topics in there, since they’re for married people. So, file that away. Here are some of my favorites:

To learn about guys:
Guys like Girls Who… by Chad Eastham
The Truth About Guys by Chad Eastham
Wild at Heart by John Eldredge
Who Moved the Goalpost? by Bob Gresh
For Young Women Only: What You Need to Know About How Guys Think by Shaunti Feldhahn
For Women Only: What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men by Shaunti Feldhahn
Making Sense Of The Men In Your Life What Makes Them Tick, What Ticks You Off, And How To Live In Harmony by Dr. Kevin Leman

To learn about girls:
For Young Men Only: A Guy’s Guide to the Alien Gender by Jeff Feldhahn
For Men Only: A Straightforward Guide to the Inner Lives of Women by Shaunti Feldhahn
Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge
And the Bride Wore White by Dana Gresh

To learn about both:

Men Are Like Waffles–Women Are Like Spaghetti: Understanding and Delighting in Your Differences by Bill and Pam Farrel
Guys are Waffles, Girls are Spaghetti by Chad Eastham and Bill and Pam Farrell [This is the teen version of the book for grownups.]
His Needs, Her Needs by William Harley
Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires, The Respect He Desperately Needs by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs

What did I learn? That guys and girls are different. And different doesn’t mean inferior or superior to the other. It means different. Which is why we complement each other so well when we’re both being nice human beings … lol. If I had to pick one book to recommend to you all, I’d pick Guys are Waffles, Girls are Spaghetti by Chad Eastham. Why? Because this information is gold, and Chad is hysterical. I mean, if you have to learn, you may as well have fun doing it, right? Here is a clip of Chad. I saw this talk live. So funny.

Here are some other things I learned from books. These might be considered stereotypical–all guys are not the same, all girls are not the same. But these generalities tend to be true of most.

1. Guys and girls do not think the same, therefore their narrative thoughts should be different. Guys tend to stay on one topic until it’s solved, and it doesn’t take them long to arrive at a conclusion, wrong or not. It’s a “let’s fix this problem” way of thinking, where girls tend to talk about all the options–way longer than necessary–and sometimes not come up with a plan. Girls will bounce from topic to topic, have a tangent about fingernail polish or why Kelly is dating Greg after what he did to her last time … wait. What were we talking about?

2. The top things that are important to guys in life are not the same as the top things that are important to girls. People tend to think about and dwell on what matters to them. The fact that girls and guys have different needs is a big deal. For example, several books state that the number one thing men need is respect and the number one thing women need is affection. I think that’s interesting.

So when I write Achan or Spencer, I try to think like them. I imagine that I am Achan or Spencer. And that really helps me, especially when I’ve brainstormed in advance what is important to each of them. It’s like acting. Work on being a good actor.

Keep some of these things in mind, and it might help:

-Girls, don’t make all your guy characters super affectionate.
-Guys, many girls ramble, if not out loud, then in their thoughts.
-Girls, most guys will be really annoyed with rude girls.
-Girls, most guys will not prioritize showers or matching clothing.
-Guys, most girls will prioritize showers and matching clothing.
-Girls, guys tend to think about right here and now.
-Guys, girls are often thinking about ten years from now. Don’t freak out. It’s perfectly normal.

What are some gender blunders you’ve seen in popular books? Let us know in the comments so we can watch for it in our writing.