Self-reflection is a big part of my life. Such a topic is usually set aside for January since starting the new year with reflection makes a lot of sense. But while I had a list of topics I could’ve written about today, when I realized I was the last post of the year, I felt inspired to write to be a little more authentic.

Self-Reflection Point #1: Overworking

First, I must confess that I am a workaholic. I have learned over time that this is tied to the lie I believe. Just like every character has a lie they believe, regular people have them too. Mine was formed in my childhood. I grew believing that I only mattered if I was producing quality work, getting good grades, winning awards, and succeeding in all things.

Me after completing King’s War, the final book in the Kinsman Chronicles epic fantasy trilogy.

That is a hard lie to believe, and it has caused me a great deal of stress and heartache over the years. And even though I now understand my childhood better, that doesn’t mean this ingrained behavior just goes away. I’m still a work-o-holic. I have to consciously make an effort to tell myself, “No work today, Jill. Rest today.” Because old habits are hard to break.

Self-Reflection Point #2: Goals Not Met

After Hunger released last spring, I felt free for the first time in a long time. My life was now in a steady pattern, summer was coming, and I was free to write anything I wanted to write! So exciting. The problem? I felt stuck. I wanted to write something that would be successful, but that’s not something I can control. I knew I wanted to write a book for the general market. My agent admitted she didn’t have the contacts, so if I wanted to pursue the general market, I would need to find a new agent. That meant finishing a book and in a sense, starting over. That was a little scary but also exciting. So, that became my goal. I would finish a book and find a new agent. Easy peasy, right?

I pulled out a secret fantasy novel I’d been working on the past few years and decided to finish it by the end of the summer. But as I got inside the manuscript, I quickly saw that was not going to happen. The story was broken. I decided to give myself more time. I would work on it with the goal of finishing by the end of 2021.

Yet I am one week away from Christmas break, and I am not going to make it.

Self-Reflection Point #3: SIBCI

I have SIBCI. This is a self-diagnosis, and since I invented this condition, I know it’s true. SIBCI stands for “Shiny Idea is Better than Current Idea.” I am not trying to be funny. I have always struggled with being insecure in my choices. It went away for a while after I got published. My agent would pitch my list of ideas to publishers, and the publisher would choose which idea they wanted. A contract would be offered, and I would write that book. It was stressful at times to meet that deadline, but the work-o-holic thrived. I was told what to work on and when. I was given a deadline. I had instructions and guidelines and boundaries that kept me productive.

Then life changed, and we moved. Several years of struggle followed. My new hometown was so much more expensive, and my need to earn a steady income sent me back to college. Now I teach fifth grade. As my professional life changed, my writing life changed. I no longer had a publisher choosing which of my ideas I should write or giving me deadlines. I had to manage myself, which I’ve never been very good at. A couple no-brainers fell into my lap. First, The Me You See, a work-for-hire project that helped pay some bills while I was in grad school. Second, I decided to indie-publish Thirst since I’d already written half of it. Thirst was meant to be two books, so that meant writing a sequel. Hunger came out on spring break of 2021, the end of my first year as a full-time teacher.

As mentioned previously, this was when I decided to write a book for the general market by the end of 2021. Not long after came the first shiny distraction. Amazon announced a new writing platform called Kindle Vella. Writers would published serialized stories, and as a beta author, I would earn bonuses. I had missed out on indie publishing during the first major Amazon venture of ebooks, and I wanted to be a part of this one. However, I didn’t think I could write a story from scratch while I was working full-time. Then my husband gave me his book! He had written to fairytale mashup and said I could revise it. So I did.

Fast forward to today. Kindle Vella has completely sucked me in. I finished revising Magic Hunters on Kindle Vella, which ultimately taught me that I could write a chapter a week while working full time. I decided to next write Onyx Eyes on Kindle Vella, which has been a lot of fun. But splitting my attention hurt my goal of finishing the broken secret fantasy novel. The Vella stories were much easier than that broken one. I even went on two writing retreats to focus on the broken secret fantasy novel, and it’s just not coming together. So now, not only am I not going to finish my broken secret fantasy novel as I had hoped, I’m desperately tempted to put it down and try SO MANY OTHER THINGS.

You can read the first three chapters of Onyx Eyes for free. If you do, please consider giving the story a Follow and clicking the thumbs up “like” at the end of each chapter.

Never in my life have so many shiny ideas flashed through my mind’s eye. Everything seems like a better idea that spending any more time on this broken story. I’ve been writing long enough to know that every book gets in a stage where it’s trouble. So, starting a new book isn’t going to mean trouble never comes. You have to push through that trouble or you’ll never have a draft worth fixing. But I’ve been fighting with broken secret fantasy novel on and off for the past five years. I love this book SO MUCH. But with my limited time and my hopes of finishing something I can pitch to a new agent, I just don’t know if I should keep fighting with this story or not. I don’t know if I should try to write something else. I don’t know anything. And it is maddening.

Self-Reflection Point 4: What I’ve Learned

This year has taught me some valuable lessons. First, I am externally motivated. The decisions and deadlines traditional publishers once gave me meshed well with the work-o-holic in me. They helped me be productive because they tapped into my personality type. The self-publish preorder deadlines I set with Amazon for Thirst and Hunger kept me working hard. And even Kindle Vella’s arbitrary “post one new episode a week” deadline keeps me productive. Yet in my desire to complete a full manuscript I can pitch to a new agents, I have nothing. I need to find a way to create external deadlines for regular books since those deadlines push me forward.

Second, my SIBCI caused me to make choices that derailed my original goal. Had I not dived in to play with Kindle Vella, I might have managed to complete the broken secret fantasy novel. However, I wouldn’t have Magic Hunters or Onyx Eyes, which I’ve wanted to write since 2014 and is plugging long right now. Can SIBCI be a good thing sometimes? Is it fueled by a deep-seeded desire to be excited about what I’m writing? Or is it more about having an audience? That I’m still pondering.

Final thoughts

As writers, we make a lot of choices that affect the trajectory of our career. Self-reflection is important in helping us look back and learn. It’s important to remember that there is only so much we can control in our lives. We can’t control whether or not a story will behave and come easily. We can’t know if a publisher, agent, or readers will like our next story. And we certainly can’t control what happens in the world with our finances.

We can decide what to write, when to write, for whom we write, and how we will seek to deliver those stories to readers. It might not go how we plan, but that’s okay. We are writers, and we have dedicated our lives to the art of telling stories. As long as we keep on writing words, we will eventually complete stories for readers. It probably won’t happen the way we expect it to, but if we are faithful to the process of putting words on the page, over time we will complete stories.

If you relate at all to any part of my story, I want to encourage you to self-reflect. Look back at your writing year and see what you can learn from any patterns you see. At the same time, don’t be too hard on yourself. We all have commitments demanding our attention. Writing is hard work, and every story is different. Some come fast, others slow. If you’ve been fighting with a broken story, give yourself heaps of grace. You might need to practice greater patience, or it might be time to set that story aside for a time to give you both some space. Trust your gut and your heart, but don’t beat yourself up if things are taking longer than you think it should. There is probably a reason. You’ll figure it out someday, and when you do, that broken story will finally be on its way to completion.

Do you practice self-reflection in regard to your writing? What have you learned about yourself as a writer?

Do you have a broken story that has been plaguing you for years? Is it still broken? Or if you finally fixed a broken story, tell me your secret! I’m in need of broken story advice.

Merry Christmas, everyone! Have a wonderful holiday, and we will see you in January 2022!

Jill Williamson is a chocolate loving, daydreaming, creator of kingdoms, and the author of several young adult fantasy novels including the Blood of Kings trilogy. She loves teaching about writing. She blogs at goteenwriters.com and also posts writing videos on her YouTube channel and on Instagram. Jill is a Whovian, a Photoshop addict, and a recovering fashion design assistant. She grew up in Alaska without running water or electricity and now lives in the Pacific Northwest with her husband and two kids. Find Jill online at jillwilliamson.com or on InstagramYouTubeFacebookPinterest, and Twitter.