Self-reflection is a big part of my life. Such a topic is usually set aside for January since starting the new year with reflection makes a lot of sense. But while I had a list of topics I could’ve written about today, when I realized I was the last post of the year, I felt inspired to write to be a little more authentic.
Self-Reflection Point #1: Overworking
First, I must confess that I am a workaholic. I have learned over time that this is tied to the lie I believe. Just like every character has a lie they believe, regular people have them too. Mine was formed in my childhood. I grew believing that I only mattered if I was producing quality work, getting good grades, winning awards, and succeeding in all things.
That is a hard lie to believe, and it has caused me a great deal of stress and heartache over the years. And even though I now understand my childhood better, that doesn’t mean this ingrained behavior just goes away. I’m still a work-o-holic. I have to consciously make an effort to tell myself, “No work today, Jill. Rest today.” Because old habits are hard to break.
Self-Reflection Point #2: Goals Not Met
After Hunger released last spring, I felt free for the first time in a long time. My life was now in a steady pattern, summer was coming, and I was free to write anything I wanted to write! So exciting. The problem? I felt stuck. I wanted to write something that would be successful, but that’s not something I can control. I knew I wanted to write a book for the general market. My agent admitted she didn’t have the contacts, so if I wanted to pursue the general market, I would need to find a new agent. That meant finishing a book and in a sense, starting over. That was a little scary but also exciting. So, that became my goal. I would finish a book and find a new agent. Easy peasy, right?
I pulled out a secret fantasy novel I’d been working on the past few years and decided to finish it by the end of the summer. But as I got inside the manuscript, I quickly saw that was not going to happen. The story was broken. I decided to give myself more time. I would work on it with the goal of finishing by the end of 2021.
Yet I am one week away from Christmas break, and I am not going to make it.
Self-Reflection Point #3: SIBCI
I have SIBCI. This is a self-diagnosis, and since I invented this condition, I know it’s true. SIBCI stands for “Shiny Idea is Better than Current Idea.” I am not trying to be funny. I have always struggled with being insecure in my choices. It went away for a while after I got published. My agent would pitch my list of ideas to publishers, and the publisher would choose which idea they wanted. A contract would be offered, and I would write that book. It was stressful at times to meet that deadline, but the work-o-holic thrived. I was told what to work on and when. I was given a deadline. I had instructions and guidelines and boundaries that kept me productive.
Then life changed, and we moved. Several years of struggle followed. My new hometown was so much more expensive, and my need to earn a steady income sent me back to college. Now I teach fifth grade. As my professional life changed, my writing life changed. I no longer had a publisher choosing which of my ideas I should write or giving me deadlines. I had to manage myself, which I’ve never been very good at. A couple no-brainers fell into my lap. First, The Me You See, a work-for-hire project that helped pay some bills while I was in grad school. Second, I decided to indie-publish Thirst since I’d already written half of it. Thirst was meant to be two books, so that meant writing a sequel. Hunger came out on spring break of 2021, the end of my first year as a full-time teacher.
As mentioned previously, this was when I decided to write a book for the general market by the end of 2021. Not long after came the first shiny distraction. Amazon announced a new writing platform called Kindle Vella. Writers would published serialized stories, and as a beta author, I would earn bonuses. I had missed out on indie publishing during the first major Amazon venture of ebooks, and I wanted to be a part of this one. However, I didn’t think I could write a story from scratch while I was working full-time. Then my husband gave me his book! He had written to fairytale mashup and said I could revise it. So I did.
Fast forward to today. Kindle Vella has completely sucked me in. I finished revising Magic Hunters on Kindle Vella, which ultimately taught me that I could write a chapter a week while working full time. I decided to next write Onyx Eyes on Kindle Vella, which has been a lot of fun. But splitting my attention hurt my goal of finishing the broken secret fantasy novel. The Vella stories were much easier than that broken one. I even went on two writing retreats to focus on the broken secret fantasy novel, and it’s just not coming together. So now, not only am I not going to finish my broken secret fantasy novel as I had hoped, I’m desperately tempted to put it down and try SO MANY OTHER THINGS.
Never in my life have so many shiny ideas flashed through my mind’s eye. Everything seems like a better idea that spending any more time on this broken story. I’ve been writing long enough to know that every book gets in a stage where it’s trouble. So, starting a new book isn’t going to mean trouble never comes. You have to push through that trouble or you’ll never have a draft worth fixing. But I’ve been fighting with broken secret fantasy novel on and off for the past five years. I love this book SO MUCH. But with my limited time and my hopes of finishing something I can pitch to a new agent, I just don’t know if I should keep fighting with this story or not. I don’t know if I should try to write something else. I don’t know anything. And it is maddening.
Self-Reflection Point 4: What I’ve Learned
This year has taught me some valuable lessons. First, I am externally motivated. The decisions and deadlines traditional publishers once gave me meshed well with the work-o-holic in me. They helped me be productive because they tapped into my personality type. The self-publish preorder deadlines I set with Amazon for Thirst and Hunger kept me working hard. And even Kindle Vella’s arbitrary “post one new episode a week” deadline keeps me productive. Yet in my desire to complete a full manuscript I can pitch to a new agents, I have nothing. I need to find a way to create external deadlines for regular books since those deadlines push me forward.
Second, my SIBCI caused me to make choices that derailed my original goal. Had I not dived in to play with Kindle Vella, I might have managed to complete the broken secret fantasy novel. However, I wouldn’t have Magic Hunters or Onyx Eyes, which I’ve wanted to write since 2014 and is plugging long right now. Can SIBCI be a good thing sometimes? Is it fueled by a deep-seeded desire to be excited about what I’m writing? Or is it more about having an audience? That I’m still pondering.
Final thoughts
As writers, we make a lot of choices that affect the trajectory of our career. Self-reflection is important in helping us look back and learn. It’s important to remember that there is only so much we can control in our lives. We can’t control whether or not a story will behave and come easily. We can’t know if a publisher, agent, or readers will like our next story. And we certainly can’t control what happens in the world with our finances.
We can decide what to write, when to write, for whom we write, and how we will seek to deliver those stories to readers. It might not go how we plan, but that’s okay. We are writers, and we have dedicated our lives to the art of telling stories. As long as we keep on writing words, we will eventually complete stories for readers. It probably won’t happen the way we expect it to, but if we are faithful to the process of putting words on the page, over time we will complete stories.
If you relate at all to any part of my story, I want to encourage you to self-reflect. Look back at your writing year and see what you can learn from any patterns you see. At the same time, don’t be too hard on yourself. We all have commitments demanding our attention. Writing is hard work, and every story is different. Some come fast, others slow. If you’ve been fighting with a broken story, give yourself heaps of grace. You might need to practice greater patience, or it might be time to set that story aside for a time to give you both some space. Trust your gut and your heart, but don’t beat yourself up if things are taking longer than you think it should. There is probably a reason. You’ll figure it out someday, and when you do, that broken story will finally be on its way to completion.
Do you practice self-reflection in regard to your writing? What have you learned about yourself as a writer?
Do you have a broken story that has been plaguing you for years? Is it still broken? Or if you finally fixed a broken story, tell me your secret! I’m in need of broken story advice.
Jill Williamson is a chocolate loving, daydreaming, creator of kingdoms, and the author of several young adult fantasy novels including the Blood of Kings trilogy. She loves teaching about writing. She blogs at goteenwriters.com and also posts writing videos on her YouTube channel and on Instagram. Jill is a Whovian, a Photoshop addict, and a recovering fashion design assistant. She grew up in Alaska without running water or electricity and now lives in the Pacific Northwest with her husband and two kids. Find Jill online at jillwilliamson.com or on Instagram, YouTube, Facebook, Pinterest, and Twitter.
“This is a self-diagnosis, and since I invented this condition, I know it’s true.”
You maybe weren’t trying to be funny, but I laughed so hard at this! It’s really hard to discern if a shiny new idea is ACTUALLY better, or if it just seems that way because you haven’t figured out its problems yet.
This is a great post, Jill. I think your discovery about how motivating external expectations are for you is going to be really helpful in future years!
One of the things that I’ve realized during my end-of-year reflection is that I have plenty of time now, but I need to work on developing good habits and focusing. Allowing myself to be pulled in too many directions has really hurt my productivity.
Thank you for being vulnerable with us!
You Said: **It’s really hard to discern if a shiny new idea is ACTUALLY better, or if it just seems that way because you haven’t figured out its problems yet.**
So true! I keep thinking my Shiny problems will go away, but I’ve finally realized this is part of who Jill is. So now what I need are ways to cope with my Shiny problems. LOL
Having too much time can be just as challenging as having not enough time. You might have to pull out that boundaries book that you told me about way back when and read it with an eye toward your current situation. I’m amazed how re-reading some of these powerful nonfiction books help me in different ways each time I read them.
I have a broken-ish story that I’d been working on over a year, and I was really having trouble moving along. It discouraged me. Luckily, a new story idea came to me, and that is what I am working on now! I told my siblings, “I need to just leave it alone awhile and let it ‘ferment’ while I work on something new.” Who knows, maybe leaving it for a long time will help me to see what needs fixed. (I know one problem, and that is that controlling my large cast of characters is like herding cats, lol.)
Problematic stories, I think, are like the Cello. One time, my cello fell over, and the bridge got knocked when it hit the ground, and moved over, making my strings out of tune. Once I got the bridge back in place (luckily there was rosin dust on the body to show where it should be, so I could move it easily.) I just needed to retune my strings, and everything was fine.
However, if I were to pick up my cello, without realizing the little beam inside had collapsed, and began to play, the whole thing would fall to pieces! Then I would not be able to use that instrument again, and have to get a new one.
I guess what I am trying to say is that when you work on something that you are having trouble with, it could be just needing a bridge adjustment, which will all be well once you have that in place (and tune your strings, because they won’t tune if the bridge is off kilter!). Or it could be that something in the structure will make it all fall to pieces, unless you are watching for it. Either way, the musician can fix what is wrong if they know their instrument’s structure.
I do not know if this is helpful at all, especially since I don’t have any broken stories I am currently trying to fix, and I’m not published yet. I’m not all that great with illustrations, but hey, making music is art, just like writing! ? If you haven’t noticed, I’m kind of an artist in multiple ways. ? Hopefully the cello story helps you a bit, Ms. Jill! ?
I’m so glad you’ve found a story that is working well. That is so much fun.
I LOVE your cello metaphor, Riley! Yes, my story is definitely out of tune. And it has a bad history too. The first time it was out of tune I put it down to take a break. The second time, I had an editor read it to help me see problem areas. Now I’m working to fix problem areas and it still feels out of tune. I’m currently trying to decide if I should push through to the end or take another break. When your writing time is precious, you don’t want to waste it staring at a broken story, you know?
I will ponder this idea of something being out of tune to see if I can tweak those strings a little and make this story sing. Thanks so much!
I’ve been feeling SIBCI lately. I’m revising a novella, but I really want to move on to the next one.
Something I’ve been reflecting on is the kind of stories I really love and want to write.
I hear that! Doesn’t everything else look better than the one you’re supposed to be working on? *sighs*
Great idea to reflect on the kind of stories you love and want to write. That should help a little with the SIBC. At least you should be able to keep your Shiny ideas inside some pre-determined boundaries. 😉
I don’t know if I have the shiny object problem, but I DEFINITELY know that I am externally motivated. I am not published, have no agent, and the last five years have been really on me for one reason or another to pursue that dream of writing a book. I’ve finished manuscripts I hate and never edited, start others that I can’t figure out if they’re any good or not, and I, too, have many problems making decisions. (Just ask my family. It’s been a source of stories about me since my childhood.) I relate to all of this, Jill. Thank you for sharing it. I do plan to take some time to decide if this is what I’m called to do or not. I’m so glad I’m not alone!
Haha, I totally relate with indecisiveness stories! One time we were in a store a good two hours because I could not decide what to get my mom for Mother’s Day.
LOL My family still laughs because once when I was about 10 my folks told my sister and I we could pick out a candy bar. After a half-hour of indecision, they finally left with me getting nothing because I could never decide. That’s the story of my life 🙂
Oh, Glynis! I so feel your pain. This is partly why I struggle with indie publishing too. I see that the book is published, but since I did it myself, it doesn’t quite feel the same as when I was traditionally published. Though strangely that is not the case with my nonfiction indie books.
I keep reminding myself that I am a writer and that all projects will not look the same and that doesn’t mean they don’t all have value. The same is true for projects I write and don’t publish. I learn so much from those stories. I get joy out of them. (I also get a pain in the neck, sometimes… lol) But I also grow as a person every time I write. That said, if you have completed manuscripts, you have done something that few people have. And typing out all those words has made you a better writer and an all-around more accomplished and talented human. Yes, you will have to decide if you want to pursue publication, but remind yourself that even though you might not have received the external motivations you hoped to receive, that longing doesn’t mean you didn’t receive something cool for your efforts. If that makes sense…
And if you do decide to pursue traditional or indie publishing, just be aware that you are externally motivated and look for ways to set yourself up for success. For indie publishing, setting a 90-day pre-order release date keeps me seriously motivated to finish my manuscript on time. Because if I don’t, Amazon will take away the privilege of being able to sell pre-orders. Since I don’t want to lose that, I make sure and get done on that deadline. Things like that help me. 🙂
Great advice, Jill! Thank you for taking the time to respond. I’m going to do some real soul-searching and praying to see what my next steps should be. This post will come in handy. Thank you and Merry Christmas!
Jill, I loved reading all your self-reflections! Your honesty and vulnerability were so encouraging to me. 🙂
This year has been hard for me too, but it was so good at the same time. I found my passion for writing again! Last year, I was so depressed, I didn’t even want to write, but I’ve found the spark again. I’ve realized that getting back into the habit of writing makes it easier to keep going. And… my very first novel released earlier this month! 😀 It was a broken story just like yours, but it wouldn’t leave me alone, so I kept going back to it after giving up over and over again. Sometimes broken stories take time. And what I have found is that they’ll always emerge, one way or another, even if you have to fight for it. And please keep fighting for it, because if the story has stayed with you for that long, it’s definitely worth it. 😉
Thanks for sharing this, Talia! You have given me hope that one day I will wrestle this story into shape. I’m so glad that you have found your writing passion again. That is awesome.
Wow, 2022 is coming up so fast! I think I have grown more this year as a writer than any other year, which is awesome!
My story wasn’t really as broken as it was messy and chaotic. I mean, it still is! (What first draft isn’t?) But now I have a better plan for it. 😀
You girls are awesome (I just got Write Your Novel for my birthday!) and I hope you have a blessed year!
Congrats on a great year of growth as a writer, Lorelei! That’s awesome. I’m glad you have a better plan for your story now. Enjoy the Write Your Novel book! Merry Christmas and happy New Year! 🙂
I definitely have SIBCI! It seems when I’m writing something I always want to get onto the next story. Its like “the grass is always greener on the other side.”
It’s SO ANNOYING sometimes, isn’t it? Ha ha.
Thank you for all your posts, they’ve really helped me as a writer.
You are SO welcome, Hannah! Thanks so much for reading our posts!
I can definitely relate to the external motivation thing! In the past, I’ve often only worked regularly when participating in challenges like the 100-for-100 or Camp NaNo, or when I was taking a CW class that semester and my writing doubled as completing homework.
Looking back over the year, actually creating a sustainable daily writing habit is one of the highlights. My whole life has been built around deadlines and having a to-do list that was partially determined by someone else, a lot like having the publisher tell you what to do, so although I can make time to write, I rarely did during the semester because I felt like it wasn’t the best use of the time when failing to write wasn’t going to result in a bad grade.
So I changed my approach about a month ago. Instead of trying to do a vague “any writing stuff, for 30 minutes a day” or something with no clear goal other than establishing a habit, I just focused on my novel: I discovered if I write just 300 words a day, I’ll hit around 70,000 about the time Camp NaNo rolls around again (I started the draft for this July’s NaNo, meaning for the first time in my life I’ll actually have finished a draft in a year or less!). And I made a calendar page where I can record word counts for the next few months and see them all at once. It turns out that writing on a regular basis is *way* easier if you have a specific goal and tangible finish line :P. And since it’s not many words a day and isn’t an official challenge, I have the flexibility to skip a day if I’m particularly busy or whatever, and don’t get tired of it like I do with other challenges after a while.
That is so awesome, Mia. And true! Setting a specific, small goal like that is totally achievable, and logging it each day is super smart because it not only feels like a little reward, but you can then go back and see what those little word counts have added up to. Congrats on making that little writing goal a daily habit! That’s hard to do, and I’m proud of you for the discipline I know it took to make that happen.